Today is the 5th anniversary of my husband’s death. He died July 1, 2017. In 2019 after renovating my new home in Florida, I decided to go on a special vacation to celebrate my husband’s birthday. He would have been 65 years old on August 22, 2019. I learned so much on this trip about myself and my new life without him. When I returned home, I wrote the following. Grief is a horrible experience. We don’t have to lose a loved one to feel grief. When our life becomes rattled in anyway, we mourn. It is my hope that you will find comfort in these words and be inspired to press forward to the life that God has planned for you. God bless.

I took my first Viking River Cruise to the Bordeaux region in France in August 2019. It was my first major solo trip. I am learning so much about myself as I stretch the edges of my comfort zone.

Shortly after my husband’s death, I realized that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. My prayer is that I would never feel lonely but would always feel good about being alone. I am learning the difference. During this trip, I learned that there is a difference between relaxing and being bored. I have always found it difficult to relax, and when I do finally settle down, I do not like being still for very long. While on this trip, every chance I could get I walked on my own. I enjoy walking at my own pace. All the areas we visited were beautiful, peaceful – I felt safe and encouraged by my surroundings to explore.

One of my favorite places to visit is old churches, and there are plenty of them in France. One of the destinations on this trip was the Citadelle de Blaye. This is an old military fort with lots of great walking opportunities and plenty of beautiful sites. I walked over 12,000 steps the first day and did not seem to find the local church. The following day before the ship left port, I went back out on my own determined to find the local church. After a short time, I found it on one of the side streets. It was a beautiful old structure with two large red doors. I walked in and was very amazed at all the beauty around. I spent time praying and lit a candle for my husband.

As I left the church walking toward the ship, I noticed a young woman walking in front of me. She was probably in her mid-30’s. She had shorts on and only one leg. She wore a full prosthetic device on her right leg from the hip down. She walked with a limp, but by God she was walking.

I don’t know where she was going – maybe to work, school, or visiting family. I don’t know how she lost her leg – maybe she was born this way, maybe it was an accident or disease, but there was something about her that kept my attention. The closest I have ever come to being an amputee was when my husband died. I felt such loss I couldn’t explain it any other way and yet as I looked at this young woman I realized I was looking at myself. I have lost a major limb – my husband is no longer with me in the flesh – yet I feel him all around me every day.

I need special assistance to walk. I know deep within me that my prosthetic device is made up of all those who pray for me and lift me in prayer. I walk – but it will always be with a limp. It will never be the same.

With my husband, I walked with confidence, with a bounce in my stride, with a smile on my face. It is very different now. I am learning to smile again through the tears.

What I also found amazing about this woman was that she was not embarrassed at all by her situation. Her shorts were very short and the prosthetic device from the hip down was on full display. I did not sense pride or a dreaded survival. She seemed to be living and thriving and you could sense that in every one of her steps.

I imagine that every evening she removes her prosthetic leg before going to bed grateful to have it so she can get around. And then each morning the process begins again putting her leg back on and continuing through her day.

My prosthetic device truly is my faith. Each morning I spend time with the Trinity in gratitude, love, and praise. I could not function without my spiritual prosthesis that I have learned to put on daily. This device is just as detailed as the young woman’s. The Trinity, the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. Joseph, all the saints, the angels, my guardian angel, my husband and my youngest son, and all those God has put in my life who journey with me side by side every day make up this remarkable piece of prosthetic equipment that gets me through my day and allows me to truly live and to thrive as God has planned.

I will never walk the same, but I take each step with gratitude and with love.